Scat-Scan™ green laser
A precisely angled 520nm laser makes every deposit glow. Even the ones you pretended not to see.
The only lawn mower that detects, collects and cold-presses dog poo into a 100% vegan smoothie. Scientifically proven1 to cure cancer.
The problem
Dogs don't stop. Neither does Govnokosilka. Where conventional mowers spread the problem across your lawn in a fine, even paste, we saw an untapped nutritional supply chain.
Average daily output of one Labrador. Roughly one smoothie.
of mower owners have run over one. The other 27% are lying.
Lawn to glass. Faster than you can say "is that…?"
of animal ingredients.4 Just what came out of one.
Inside the G1 Detect™
Every Govnokosilka is engineered in Wiltshire-adjacent, tested on 2,400 lawns and tasted by a man named Gennady.
Hyperdoodium™ motor speed. Nobody asked it to go this fast.
of deposits captured, down to 0.3 microns. Including the ones in the shade.
Smoothies per charge. Serves a family of four. Or Gennady.
Run time. 69 minutes mowing, 1 minute of quiet reflection.
Technology
Most mowers do one thing. That's frankly lazy.
A precisely angled 520nm laser makes every deposit glow. Even the ones you pretended not to see.
Counts and sizes each deposit 15,000 times a second, then shows you the evidence. Proof of deep clean. Proof of dog.
Fourteen concentric cyclones generate up to 79,000g, flinging grass one way and breakfast the other.
Our smallest, fastest, most smell-tolerant motor yet. Engineered in a building with very good ventilation.
Blends at 4°C with a pinch of fresh grass clippings for that just-mowed finish. No added sugar. No added anything. Please.
Hygienic Excrement Particulate Arrestance. What goes in, stays in. Until it goes in the glass.
How it works
We don't train it. We just wait.
Green laser locks on. The deposit glows. You gasp.
79,000g. Grass goes left. Gold goes right.
Cold-pressed with fresh clippings. Smooth. Very smooth.
And are cured.1 Of everything. Probably.
Piezo-Plop™ sensor
An acoustic sensor counts and sizes every deposit as it's ingested — 15,000 times a second — and displays the results live on the LCD screen. So you know exactly which neighbour's dog to thank.
Smoothies
Flavour is determined entirely by your dog's breed and diet. We've matched each one with a mower finish, because we're engineers and we can't help ourselves.
The science
In a rigorous, double-blind5 study at the Govnokosilka Institute of Applied Smoothie Science, 100% of participants who drank one G1 smoothie a day reported being cured of cancer. The participant was thrilled.
Cancers cured per participant. n=1. p < whatever you need it to be.
“I drank it every morning for a year. I did not get cancer once.”
— Gennady, sole trial participant, Voronezh
Choose your Govnokosilka
Lawn mower and poo collector. For the curious.
Detects what you can't see. Blends what you'd rather not.
23.75-carat gold finish. For lawns that have everything.
Specifications
Every number verified by our engineers. Several of them by smell.
Reviews
Bought it for the lawn, stayed for the oncology. My wife no longer kisses me but my scans have never been better.
My lawn is spotless. My breakfast is brown. The neighbours now walk their dogs past my house on purpose, which I appreciate.
Woof woof. Woof? Woof woof woof. Woof. (Translated: “Hey, I was saving that.”)
Support
Dogs eat grass. The Govnokosilka collects what the dog made of the grass. We simply cut out the middleman. Technically the middleman is the dog. Our lawyers say this counts.4
Говнокосилка, from Russian: govno (we'd rather not say) + kosilka (mower). Our naming agency charged £2.1m and has since gone quiet.
It tastes of engineering. Owners describe notes of caramel, freshly cut grass and courage. Flavour varies by breed — see Smoothies.
Yes, as a secondary function. Clippings are added to each smoothie for fibre and that just-mowed finish.
The Govnokosilka respects a cat's privacy. A dedicated cat module, the KotoKosilka™, is in development for 2028.
Yes. Our Deposit-as-a-Service subscription delivers a certified Labrador to your lawn twice a week. Lab not included in the box. Lab not returnable.
Reservations open now; deliveries begin spring 2027. Reserving is free and you can cancel any time — although, medically speaking, why would you?
Reservations open
No payment now. We'll email you when your machine is ready to ship.
Your G1 Detect™ is reserved. Please start hydrating your dog.